I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
