I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
