I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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