pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
