I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
