its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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