i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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