i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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