i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
