I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's shark week go big or go home
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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