my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
