got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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