You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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