can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
is wine microwaveable?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You're like the curious george of whores
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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