I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
