Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
