How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
