you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
