Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
