I accidentally had phone sex last night
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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