I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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