Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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