She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
