I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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