She is in my trunk
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
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he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"