It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
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used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
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We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.