On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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