I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
