Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
