Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
