You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
