We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
