I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
