Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
