I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
