New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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