when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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