mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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