I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
