i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
