I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i now understand why vodka
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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