I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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