Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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