So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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