So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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