Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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