im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
