there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
