this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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