Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
