In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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