You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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