There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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