The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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