I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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