I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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